Crystal Engagement

It feels like years since he's been here
Phoenix, here he comes
I feel like the earth's been waiting
it's alright

i felt the spiritual energy of my son
i was awe struck, as i am discovering his crystalline energy
it is an incredible feeling knowing your son's spiritual energy contains far more than my abilities could ever reach in this lifetime. its very humbling

how many holes will he be able to fill.

since my last posting,
Phoenix has taught me of the Crystal Engagement.
A crystal engagement is when a Crystal child unleashes their spiritual energy and locks into yours. at the point of the crystal engagement many things can occur

the first of engagements, is the crystal confirmation engagement. this is when your crystal child confirms the fact they are indeed crystalline, this engagement can happen in a number of forms and is unique to the crystal caregivers. you will know when this happens, it is a feeling like none other

the second of the engagements is telepathy. the telepathic engagement is for everyday life with your crystal baby.crystal telepathy is like "mommy i need some milk in my cup.

the third engagement is crystal engagement messaging. crystal messaging is different than telepathy.
Crystal children messaging comes to us from the spiritual plane. the third crystal engagement is by far the most spiritual of all the engagements. During the time of this crystal engagement the recipient will feel like if they have just been kissed by god. this is when spiritual information is passed through the crystal child from the spiritual world to the recipient. during my first message engagement with my son, my eyes were burning so hot, and my face felt like it had extreme heat next to it, it felt like spiritual light being placed on me and my crystal.

the fourth of the engagements is the crystal healing engagement.
my crystal baby has never done this engagement with me. i do believe he has done this engagement before. one day he was at his weekly play date at the baby gym. there sat an elderly lady, my crystal baby toddled right up to her,never mind the play balls and the bubbles everywhere. he stopped and look right into her eyes's for maybe 30 seconds. then he stood before her and touched her hand but just with his pointer finger. then Phoenix just giggled and ran to play with the bubbles.
i looked at the elderly lady and she smiled so brightly. she just told me how beautiful his eyes were.

I love my dear Phoenix. Crystalline he is, protect him. i must.


in her i know i one

Autism, a Crystal, and The Blue Lady

it has been a struggle lately, my Phoenix is 18 months old and has been put under a microscope by the medical community. he simply decided he didnt want to talk, nothing no mama dada, nothing.
Phoenix can communicate with me through other ways though, i actually call him my little orca whale, because he loves to sing, and he sounds just like an orca...
but none the less, i was told he possibly couldnt hear and that's why he couldnt talk. which this scared the living daylights out of me, geez, the hearing test was done, and he can hear, praise the gods,, my Phoenix simply has a speech delay, one of the characteristics of crystal children, but also a characteristic of autism.
now, Phoenix's doctor has him under the help me grow program, where the state gets involved with Phoenix's speech delay. the social workers involved with Phoenix actually come to my home, to visit with him. and i still have the autism paperwork, which i dont want to fill out....

i drift to the land of faire
I have missed you, i told The Blue Lady..
i have just this for you The Blue Lady said to me
Your Phoenix will speak to you soon ...

then we were doing alright, Phoenix and me were on the Floor playing tickle.
sometimes messages have a funny way of getting to you, for i doubted Phoenix to be Crystal.
i placed my face on the bottom of Phoenix's feet, tickle, tickle, but a tickle of his feet wasnt what he wanted. i felt him lock into my eyes, as i then played pick a boo with his feet, then i felt the crystalline energy of my son embrace me, Phoenix told me to send energy to him, and if you are familar with REiki, i was sending reiki energy to him. and everytime i would send a wave of energy to him, he would start giggling, we did this over and over radiating through each other, with him giggling louder and louder everytime i sent him energy. then i heard The Blue Lady say to me, you have your Crystal Confirmation...........................................
after wards
i felt like i had been touched by the Gods, i have experienced many forms of enlightenment in my lifetime, by evoking the goddes herself, this experience with my Crystal Phoenix,, so far was the most spiritual, and devine of my entire life, i felt my spirit shimmering .
my son had given me a lesson, and that lesson is to help crystal mommies from my experiences through him.
so many crystal mother's dont know how to nurture the crystal energy of there child. and that is onething we must do....another thing Phoenix taught me, when a crystal mother is in doubt about the child being a crystal.... a confirmation will appear like nothing you have ever experienced before. and you will know and never doubt again. a young crystal knows nothing but truth........ and as a mother you must know it to be true.

and here i am once again back to reality, Phoenix said his first word thursday night, dada, and by saturday he said mama......... now he is saying bababa too....
unbelievable, but i must listen carefully to the Blue Lady..........

i recommend crystal caregiver's to learn Reiki, you dont have to pay a fortune for a reiki 1 attunement, besides i would do that 100% free if any Crystal Parent requests an attunement.
Crystal's are born to us for a reason, we did not choose them, they choose us.....

in her, i know i am one

another turn of the wheel

it has been a while since i have been here, today i decided to return to my eternally split mind. KNock, KNock on my door, says the Blue Lady,
I gotta get outta here
the one that you are looking for, you are not going to find her here
The Blue Lady Speaks to Me
i realize that the end of summer is drawing near...
I gotta get out of here.

why is this happening to my younglin's i ask her?
you have the strongest of younglin's.
why want my Phoenix speak to me,
he has child, says the blue lady, in many different ways.
he will communicate with you in time...

my oldest is not a younglin anymore, but so strong,
he is being tested now, sadly life gives us happiness, and love, and growing bonds that can not be broken, then they are snapped beyond reason testing our strength a little to soon.. even though love is ever lasting, the human touch and voice always disappears, only to return in the next life.. i pray i can give him enough strength


KNock, KNock on my door, says the Blue Lady,
I gotta get outta here
the one that you are looking for, you are not going to find her here..

the wheel turns and turns again.

may the gods give my second younglin strength.
i do not know if he knows what's happening around him
if he can see through the darkness of what reality has chosen for him.
protect him i must..

KNock, KNock on my door, says the Blue Lady,
I gotta get outta here
the one that you are looking for, you are not going find her here..

i want to return close to the water.
i want to get out of here.
before another turn of the wheel occurs,
i do not know if i will make it out of here.

in her i know, i am one

those flowers are blooming and my smile has returned

the winter in columbus was very difficult on me and spirit. it was so gray during the winter months.
maybe we will move south soon,, i have dreams and wishes of being back in the sun during the winter months. we draw so much energy from the sun's powerful rays, but when the sky is always gray, its hard to get that feeling of yellow, warmth, and the love of the sun.
now, that summer has arrived, my fairy garden is in a crazy bloom.. the petunias flowers are simply a work of art i must say.
i used alot of REiki energy in the growth and love of my fairy garden.. and believe it or not, my petunia's came back from last year. the little beauties simply seeded themselves. i barely bought any flowers this year, i will post some pics of my master pieces soon........ it just hasnt gotten that hot in columbus yet...
my elephant ears are growing jumbo too, they are such happy little plants..


i went to see sandy last week, she seems to be happy, and i wish the world could have seen how happy the flower baskets made her.
she smiled from ear to ear.......
amazing how that filled my heart...

i dont know where my spirit goes sometimes, it dwifts away and leaves me over and over.
to the land of faire
i am
half the sun
half the moon
i go for a walk
i want to go to church
but not to stay
what would i do there?
i had a talk with jesus once?
he made me get off me knees..
he said i did not need to kneel.
heaven is so far away

i have come to talk with you again,
and the vision still remain.
restless dreams i keep having
recurring dreams,, recurring dreams
the snake will not leave my dreams.

the moon is beautiful this evening.
as i write it gazes at me through the window.
i was wondering why i was shaking with energy.
beautiful it is

i was just wishing i was back home on atlantic beach north carolina, with my friends and my old world, that feels like never never land......

soon i will be free

in her i know i am one

gnomes, seroquel and snakes

i dont know where my mind is lately. i happen to purchase a traffic exchange, so, if you need some traffic to your website stop by http://www.HitGnome.com/signup.php?1000
i love that damn gnome... it is so funny because i swear i used to have this gnome that lived with me, i dont know how many times my husband's zippo lighter would just simply vanish into thin air.
one evening we destroyed our living room looking for this zippo lighter. we even turned the furniture upside down looking for this darn lighter. well, we managed to get our living room back together piece by piece. But no zippo lighter....... well, hours later low and behold what is laying at my husband's feet..... the freaking zippo!!!!! DAmn Gnomes, is what my husband always said..
when i stumbled onto hitgnome being for sale, i simply could not resist...... it surely has consumed me. but i love it.

my friend sandy has moved to an apartment now. i should be ashamed of myself for not going to see her more often, but i have been terribly sick. and i could not be responsible for getting her sick... i have made her some beautiful flower baskets out of the flowers that were left behind after the fire next door. i am planning on going by next week and bringing her flowers to her, that should make her happy.......

i still know know where my mind has been lately, my sister called me the other day, and dont know why i havent returned her call yet...... i guess either i have been so sick, and didnt care, or i just simply didnt feel like talking......... who knows with all this craziness in my mind........

i know one day this week i ran out of my seroquel,, oh the dreams came back just as vivid has ever....... i dreamed about my baby getting swallowed by a snake,,,,,, i dream alot about snakes..... believe me,,,, i wish the snake dreams would stop....... maybe i am being swallowed up by the world, i dont know...........

in her i know i am one

Reiki , Witchcraft and Energy

Good day my friends. today the Blue Lady has given me and incredible reality....
yesterday happened to be a Full Moon . i was planning to do a special spell cast for a friend that sought me out from www.experienceproject.com . . believe it or not, i pondered doing the spell for a month.... after many growing lessons of witchcraft, i have learned to only use my energy for the greater good...... i have grown so deeply spiritual with my energy through the soothing energy of reiki. before i was attuned to reiki, i could barely tolerate being around people... anywhere from walmart to a christmas party, i felt the energy of every single person i came near.. it felt like electric shocks jolting me wherever i went.......

finally, Reiki has came into my life. i am attuned to usui reiki, but, usui reiki energy is like a quiet little bunny in a spring field, it has a nice soothing energy, but it just wasnt powerful enough for my high level of energy.. finally after being attuned to the akashic records, fusion reiki, blue star celestial reiki..... i stumbled upon kundalini reiki......... WOWZAa
kundalini is a powerhouse of energy and perfect for me, my energy....... my kundalini energy is amazing..... i can actually feel the energy turn on in the base of my spine. Amazing!!
with the ability of withcraft and the power of reiki , the 2 have become one with me.......
i have learned that with the power of the moon, you can actually store your energy within the moon and basically broadcast REiki energy to your recipent..... this is a far more powerful method of healing and attunement. this can best be done during the full moon........ although i have just became attuned to this through the Blue LADy........

whenever the moon is full call on me for a healing loving spiritual energy attunement.....
this attunement will bring us closer to our spiritual energy that dwells within us.
the name of this attunement will be named Blue Lady Reiki...........
there are no symbols to learn with this form of reiki. this healing energy is drawn down from the energy of all things and is magnified 10 fold on the night of the full moon.. this energy attunement will be an energy source for all to tap into, but a must have for reiki healers and witches. can you imagine all the possibilities with this energy source?

are you ready to tap into this energy source? the moon has been gazed upon since the beginning of time, imagine it??????? get your Blue lady REiki attunement today......

When One turn beComes aNothEr

my thoughts have drifted once again into the Land of Faire,,,
i have wondered all my life about my childhood. there is so much i chose not to remember as a little girl that i lost all memories of that time period in my life... i wondered why i found it so hard to mother my first son, well, it had dawned on me, //////////// WHY???

during my visit with my daddy, i noticed how he never even looked at the Phoenix.. the baby Phoenix just crawled over his lap with my daddy not even barely noticing His grandson.
DING!!!!!!
was this what life was like for me as a baby? not being held or loved or barely noticed.....

when one turn becomes another.......

with my boys, i have three.
my first born is just that.
First...
i love him so much.
i was so young when i had him, i hardly knew how to take care of myself, but we managed... i hugged and kissed you the best i knew how, i look at you now and you are a such a strong young man. if i had all to do over i would but only for you,,, my First........
Superman will always be my Hero.
Now, i ask myself,
did i hug you enough when you were a baby boy? i believe i did.......
did i let you stay up late with me and watch t.v. together? i know i did.......
did i let you have what ever i could afford to buy you and more? for sure i did.....
i made extra sure you had friends to play with while growing up with........

i dont think i am that great of a mama, but i try,,,,,, as we all do,,

what can i do better?

or a better question. can i get better?

as spiritual is as spiritual does....


my psychiatrist decided to up my dosage of seroquel.
also my zoloft has increased to 100 mg...... so, my body is just like WOW.......

i am just wondering when the Evil of my schizophrenia will come knocking on my door..... that's when i come undone............ my spirituality and schizophrenia just Dual at each other....... i believe that the evil schizophrenia are me and my demons at war.. as Simple as THAT

who do you have? there is Her.........

in her i know i'm one

You Can Do Magic

s ince i was a little girl in the summer months on the farm, i would always notice small zooms of colored light ,run pass me at any given moment, especially around dusk was when most of them would appear. i never thought much of it, i thought everyone saw what i saw, because my baby sister saw it too. no big deal, who would believe it? my sister and me still talk about it to this day, now,
do you wonder
if me and my sister still have the ability to see the fairies. YES

its always easier in summer to fall months for me to see the fairies
and if your opened minded, i believe you can see the Fairies too
i have helped many people
open their eyes and spirit to amazement.

you can do magic
you can see fairies if your heart desires

A Spiritual Lesson by Shelly StarZZ

i have returned from another vacation. i did Not feel good about this trip at all......... i felt it down to my bones. i did not know what it could be, Finally I heard the whispers,,, "Do Not be Gone Long Child"says The Blue Lady...... But, i have no choice, my husband had made plans to visit North Carolina. and had told my family we were coming, to many hearts would be broken if i canceled.

the drive to Atlanta was one of the best drives i have ever experienced. we went through Cincinnati around 10pm, it was one of the most amazing cities i have ever seen in the night. Cincinnati looks like a city floating in the sky at night, it was an awesome site. we made our way to Atlanta where my husband's family lives. i thought i would be a nervous wreck around them, but i was fine, valium is a god send for me sometimes. it just bumps that edge off from being around people, especially my husband's family. it has been 9 years and a Phoenix later and i still dont feel comfortable around them.

the hotel in atlanta was very nice. we had a full kitchen and all the fun stuff. i was even able to work on a couple of my projects here and there.
http://moneyreikilove.blogspot.com/
in the back of the hotel was the beautiful pond. we took Phoenix for a walk around the pond everyday. i enjoyed the solitude of the hotel room in the afternoon, Phoenix would take a nap, and it was just silent. the silence is sometimes my favorite sound.
i found myself getting sad, our visit in Atlanta ended...
we were back on the road again, and on our way to North Carolina. as i got closer to Home, i found myself getting excited, maybe just to see my Boys..... who in the world knows

we made it to my mother's house. and the Phoenix went full throttle. my mother has things everywhere in her house for the Phoenix to get into, and Believe me when i tell you, he lives up to his given name to the tee. Amazing, he was so curious about every little item in the house. even the poor little cockatiels . Phoenix not fearing anything reached his hands up to the cage and grabbed the cockatiel by the tail and started pulling at his feathers. my jaw dropped......
Phoenix really enjoyed the strawberry patch. his granny took him to her strawberry patch and let him do whatever he wanted. when she brought him inside, Phoenix was covered from head to toe with strawberry stained hands and face,,,,, His clothes, Oh His clothes, Simple GREEN got the stains out. amazing

I could feel my parents feeling a little edgy about being around Phoenix. I felt it very strongly, he is just a curious little guy. and Phoenix lets you know Loudly when he is unhappy, he is awesome.

from that point on it just felt like everything was going South....

my poor sweet cody chamara............... it was bitter sweet but he came back home to me....
my son is a bit different than most people, and people have known it since he was a small child.
and being different sometimes freightens people.
People fear What They Do not Understand.....
i have heard that phrase since beginning of time



he was coming home to me anyway, but his step mother could not get rid of him fast enough, the Step Mother and all her wickedness couldnt wait 8 days until both of my boys were coming up to columbus ohio anyway........ NOPE, she wanted him out while i was in north carolina. the Step Mother called my son WEIRDO and Freak over and over, and he could not take it any more. the Torture was so Bad My Son Gave up his 8th grade concert, his 8th grade graduation, he didnt even get a chance to say good bye to any of his friends..

the saddness i feel for my cody chamara could not fill a thousand holes

All this drama is unfolding at my mother's. usually my mother's home is so serene...... i did not wish to bring such negative energy in her Home. i reminded her to sage the house it was that wild.......

finally we are packed and ready to come home, packing the car was not easy, we drove the suzuki for good gas mileage, not much room in that car. but managed.......

it is a long drive home, i think i hate that drive the most ever.... newbern to columbus,,,,
we get almost home, and my husband gets another speeding ticket...
thank god i think to myself, i am medicated, because our was ....................

finally we are coming home, we pulled up to our house... and my friend and next door neighbor
SANDY,
Her House had Burned Down...... Bless her heart, the gods and angels were with her that evening the house caught fire. you see, she is sandy, my friend that is a quadriplegic was alone in her house in the bed, she couldnt move. thank god she has a life alert button. i was told the firefighters arrived in seven minutes, and had her out of her burning home... save and sound

i went to visit her today, Sandy is staying in a nice wheel chair accessible hotel. but the poor thing doesnt have a wheelchair. it was destroyed in the fire........ i wish the insurance people would hurry,

i feel so guilty about leaving for so long for a vacation that i really didnt want to
go on..... i remember hearing it over and over...... Do Not Be Gone Long Child......

Sandy will rebuild her home, and once again i will have a friend next door again........

life gives us moments when omens and prophecies are jabbing us right in our minds and spirits. why did i choose to ignore the warning signs??????? i knew it was coming, "THe Blue LADY"
came right to me with her whispers. my spirituality grows stronger everyday...... i learn spiritual lessons everyday......... i dont know if scored to high on that spiritual lesson.... or maybe i did... i just need to listen to The Blue Lady, which i did........ even though i was given the whispers, the omens, there was nothing i could do. my son was in need of his mother and i was there for him, but i was fairly warned with what was to come. i could not change what was to be................

I have Cast a Love SpeLL

w hen i was just beginning to learn to cast spells, i let my ego get in the way, and did something unthinkable as a witch. i was like a new toy with different gadgets, i had to try every gadget out.
so, how does this work?, i thought "love spells"
well, i wasnt interested in anyone,
i needed to find someone to put the spell on??? i know, i was young....
i happened to find this guy at work, but the funny thing, the guy was gay
could i possibly pull this off? hmmm, he is pretty cute i thought.
i imagined him day and night
the spell was cast...........
ever mind the rule of three
with love and faith
it will come to thee
next thing i know, i started hanging out with him
and all he could imagine was me,
day and night
i started recieving calls , he started following me around like a puppy dog, remember we worked together, so, after he had a wisdom tooth extracted he insisted on seeing me. it really got out of had.
what had i done?
it was insane, i had to make a call to my cousin to see if there was anything i could do to break this spell,,, HE says, A SPELL ALWAYS HAS TO RUN ITS COURSE.......
well, the spell ran its course alright, right into a broken heart for both of us
so, for all the witches thinking about casting a love spell,
spell casting is a stepping stone in our spirituality
one we will cross one way or another.
and i am still trying out my new gadgets ever learning
as you will too

love and light

MY Crystal Baby

i imagined you long ago inside my mind, and in my dreams i hugged and kissed you a thousand times.

you all i ever i wanted, you were the only thing i dreamed of for eight years. the days would pass and i would see children i thought you might would look like. beautiful brown eyes with long dark eyelashes. skin as brown as a coconut.

i tried so desperately to get you here. i longed to see the sunlight in your hair.

Now, you are here,

your hair glistens in the sunlight, your eyes are so brown i feel you peeking through to my soul. you observe the world as i knew you would.

sometimes i feel my heart will over flow, but it just flows right through to the Phoenix and back again. an energy so striking for a child of 14 months. he doesnt speak much, but tells me everything i need to know.
i can see it in his smile
how much he loves the world
i wonder about this Crystal Baby my Phoenix.. Destiny will Tell
I want to start by Saying I LOVE YOU

I'M Still THE ONe

the other day something incredible happened. my neighbor's niece came by to see a painting that a friend had painted for me for my birthday. it is a painting of Nefertiti herself. i would have to say it was one of the most special birthday presents i have ever received. i could tell my friend painted it for me with great love.

my neighbor's niece, come to find out has a special place in my heart. i never had laid eyes on her until that moment. i knew her sister, baby girl terri, and her mother, a beautiful light skin woman. i had heard over and over about MI MI. MI MI is the very same age has the baby Phoenix. I had spoke to Sandy for months about MI MI. and terri comes to see me at least once once a week. but there was a missing key. it was the ringing of my door bell and the special painting that brought the Angel to me. the Angel was MI MI's mama. the circle was complete.

From the Moment i laid eyes on the Angel, the Blue Lady whispers in my ear, Child she needs Guidance. and you and only you can give her the Peace she so desperately needs. if even for a moment....
What do I do? its has been so long? it has been over 3 years since i have spiritually guided anyone. the BLUE Lady replies. your energy has been with you since there has been stars in the Heavens. Child, this isnt about you, your journey is to help others with their spiritual selfs, whether it be any religion or belief, your guidance will lead many to a peace within themselves they did not know existed.

The Angel sits with me for what feels like spiritual bliss. i have explained to the Angel things that i spiritually guided her to, i simply can not remember, it was for her and her alone.

During the visit i felt the need to pull my classic Rider-Waite Tarot Deck. unbelievable but that gift hasnt left me either. i think the most amazing part of the session was using the ENCHANTED SPELL BOARD. it is very similiar to the ouija board but the spiritual connection was intense, i felt like i was channeling. Amazing.

I hope the Angel will return soon, she restored my confidence that i had lost so long ago.

http://moneyreikilove.blogspot.com/

The Tight Rope

everyday of my life, from the time i awake in the morning. as soon as my feet touch the floor i am walking on a circus Tight Rope.
if i take just one tiny step off balance and my sane small unimportant world dissolves ME. almost like the wicked witch of the west in the wizard of oz. I'M MELTING.. but i melt into the realm of insanity. when i am lucky sometimes my tiny steps off balance lead me to the Land Of Faire.
The Land of Faire is a wonderful realm in my mind and spirit. The Land of Faire is the most magickal world of the Fairies. i have been told by The Blue Lady that long ago i once lived there, along with her and my father. Helios
i remember from visions long ago the room where the Blue Lady sat upon her Crystal Thrown. i have sat on the Crystal Thrown with her many times. Mostly in times of my tears, sorrow, and losses. The Blue Lady would hold me in her arms with the most spiritual powerful love one could ever imagine. BLUE DIVINITY.. the most beautiful gifts i have learned in this realm, the ability to summon the fairies. "Fairies there Are. Fairies they shall be. I Summon you 1 2 3.

But then there is the Cruel other Realm i fall into when i fall off the tight Rope. it is not safe. i fall continuously with an end no where insight i fall and i fall and no one is there to catch me. i break, i crumble i reach for a knife to make it go away. it doesnt. Where is my Blue Lady to catch me. she hasnt heard my cry.
what is to happen to a schizophrenic when none of your voices are there to help.. i have exhausted them as i have exhausted myself.

oh, wait a minute. SHHHHHHHH she is coming??? OH MY Blue Lady where have you been?? i have a cut on my wrist, sadly.. i lost control and fell off THe Tight Rope and i went to a place that i should not have been.. i cry, i cry, as i realize i have no control of my mind. Help me PLEASE , BLUE LADY

THe BLue Lady replies " CHILD, you have been with me since there have been stars in the Heavens.... Balance and Balance alone will keep you safe. The BLUE LADY embraces me with her Love, once again. i am at a balance. i dont know how much longer it will last. but i shall pray next time i fall i will be in The Land of Faire....... where the fairies are...........

Will you Wonder?

when i get there i will know. i am split between the worlds. there is a sign on a wall. it says , Will you Wonder?
my spirit is crying.
in my thoughts i have heard voices in the midst. i often meditate in this strange realm of my mind, it contains so many people. who are these people who keep existing in my mind?.. i know there are two i can follow.
either i am a schizophrenic
or i am truly spiritual.
i am healer. i have a touch,,
i am split once again.
i feel you Blue Lady. i feel your presence.
the Blue Lady says. If you listen you will know..........

She Has ME

i found out some very depressing news today. i found out that my property taxes have been raised from $1200 a year to $3000 a year. increasing my mortgage several hundred dollars a month.

the news has broke me, i have cracked, i knew my sanity wouldn't last long. just one simple envelope that i opened wrecked my nice beautiful sane world. i feel my sanity just weeping away..

i look at the world i know its turning, but i cant turn with it. i have fallen into a realm of insanity.

MAYBE?

i wonder what i could possibly do to help my sweet husband who takes care of me. i can not drive myself many places because of my fear and anxiety. i am a basket case. where am i ?

i would want to get a job like i used to have. i used to have a career in marketing, it was a dream. a dream i tell you.. i started the job at age 19. you wouldnt believe it, but i worked at a beach resort. everyday for 15 years i drove over the atlantic beach bridge in N.C. i could take my lunch break on the beach if i wanted to.

the sad part is, i dont know where that confident person went. i have lost myself somewhere...But Where?

i crack once again, where am i?

the Blue LAdy Comes to ME. Child all will be okay. i will take care of you. aahh thank you for coming. what do i do? The Blue Lady Says, "You Can Not leave Phoenix in the Arms of another" that is my answer? yes, Child.................

my birthday went really good, robert made my vegetable garden, it has squash and tomatos cucumber, and lettuce... yummy,, i just hope i can grow something. it might be turning cold soon, which sucks because my giant elephant ear just spouted and is so happy.

my pyschiatrist appointment went ok. i am suppose to back down on the zoloft, because it is killing my sex drive. anti depressants make me feel alot better, but the damn sife effects are terrible. especially the seroquel. geez

its my birthday

tomorrow is my birthday and my pyschiatrist appointment is tomorrow to. i will probably talk to my pychiatrist about my lack of Sex drive. the antidepressants i take are probably having an effect on my sex drive. i rarely want to have sex with my husband. he is extremely attractive, so, that's not even an issue. i am sure it is the antidepressants zoloft that is causing the lack of sex drive.

well, tomorrow i'll be 36 years old. it just felt like yesterday i turned 21. at least i still look good,, i am 5'6" and i weigh 123, not to shabby, since i just had a baby last year.

yesterday i got in the mail a magic spell board. it is alot like a ouija board except alot cooler. it has all kinds of things on the board. north south east west..it has astrological symbols on it, gem stones, alphabet, numbers. it is like a oiuja board but super sized. it is funny because the directions say DO NOT BURN A CANDLE!!!!! that is to funny, i guess the spirits are going to jump out of the indicator, onto the candle flame, LOL
but, you know me, and my luck, i'll probably try it!!

LIFE

life had been going really good. i have become a Kundunini master. i am pretty excited about it. i was told i have Hot Hands. which is a compliment in the Reiki world

what can i do

while i was on vacation, i was shopping in a crystals and rock store. i had these two beautiful quartz crystal pieces in my hand, trying to decide which one i was going to buy. these pieces of quartz had some incredible energy. so, i wanted to know if they came from the same crystal mine. there were two sales ladies were in the store, i walked right up to this particular lady and asked her about the crystals, explaining to her my dilemma, which one to buy.

i explained to the lady i knew to come to her because i had recently had an attunement to

reiki 1 and i could pick up on her energy. she lookes at me and said" i am a Reiki Master and said usually i protect my energy a little better than that." i told her, then i will just take both crystals........................ we take them to the checkout and the lady that was helping me told the other cashier i gave her chills. i deeply apologized, i didnt understand why i would give her chills

so, i ponder

did i sense her energies?


yet, another episode happened to me
i was with robert's mother, and i realized during her visit in november, i had made her miserable. i didnt mean too, really??? she had brought a strange man to stay in my house and went into 100% madness. i was mean and hateful, i was unhappy. my mother in law vowed she would get a hotel room from now on, for future visits.
i could feel Zule, he seemed to be very smug, it was to enjoyable for him.
Zule seems to be around alot, lately...... i need my doctor, but it doesnt look i am going to get to go this month,,, that sucks bad for me...........

The Sun Rose

we went to florida for the phoenix's birthday. and he watched the sun come up for his first birthday. it was amazing watching the sun rise from the ocean's horizon, the smell of the salt air, the waves rolling in and out and simply remembering my son's birth. it was truely spiritual. it was amazing and the phoenix is blessed by the gods. he has walked in sand, felt the ocean, and picked up his favorite shells.
i was guided by the BLUe LaDy to do this, have my son blessed. the phoenix is a Pisces after all........

Just one more Voice Reiki 1

i had my attunement for reiki 1 on friday. it was really incredible. i could really feel the energy running through my body. i was a tad bit skeptical because of getting an atunement from a distance. i guess you would call it a distant attunement. but it works. i could only imagine what an attunement from a reiki master in person would be like.
i have continued my meditation and studies with Reiki 1. i have to go through a 21 day type spiritual cleansing. and then i will continue with Reiki 2. its a good thing i am going on vacation, it will make the time pass.
last night i started my meditation, but the little phoenix decided to make a fuss, so i went and rubbed his back until he went back to sleep. then i was able to get focused on meditation. i was trying to get my reiki energy flowing and i felt some blockages. i grabbed my Crystal Rena and that seemed to work. The Blue Lady came to me and told me to put Rena back on the table. i could really finally feel the Reiki energy flowing through me. i was in a deep meditation, i could feel a presense, i kept waiting for his name to come to me. i kept looking, through my deep consciouness to show me his name, but instead i get. ANOTHER VOICE, his voice was japanese. my name is TAI DEE O. i ask the Blue Lady if this is true. the Blue Lady
says "Yes Child" he will be assisting you with youR ability to protect yourself from harmful energy.
oh?
"yes Child" says TAI DEE O. Yellow soothing energy i will keep you bathed in, protection you shall have.
oh?
you call me child too?
"yes Child"

under my thumb

it happened, my ex husband asked my husband for child support for the boys. um you read it right. i have no job. and i will not get a job either. as i have issues. i realized something yesterday, i am very slow, it takes me a long time to process information. my neighbor sandy was trying to crochet for therapy. her son keith decided he would show me how to crochet. i swear i begged keith not to loose his patience with me. i think it took me an hour to learn to do the circle. i felt like the village idiot.
oh yeah, my ex husband ask my husband for MONEY!!!!
ok i had to get that out there 1 more time. as it does make to help me emotionally. i feel like there are so many Vultures just picking away at my husband. give me give me.
my husband is counting down the days until all the children are graduated. he doesnt know if he wants a corvette or a bmw. shew, what a chunk change.........
its alright

i have finally found the perfect place to meditate in my house. that was very cool, i used my pendulum and cleared it. hmmmm perfect

my pyschiatrist recommended i go see my neighbor . so, i have. i went to visit her and brought my pendulum it was going nuts around keith.

well, lately the Blue Lady recommended Reiki for me. She just came to me "You can do Reiki". HMMMM i thought, is reiki what i think it is? passing spiritual healing energy through laying on of the hands. i can do this, i always have naturally been able to. kinda like a volt going through my hands. i had already tried this out on my neighbor who is a quadraplegic. i put my hands on her feet and she could feel the vibrations running through her, including her legs. and the funny thing is the pendulum has one of the Reiki symbols on it. i only bought 4 years ago. weird

i looked further into this Reiki.
i found a Reiki Master. LOL online
i took the reiki 1 test
and i am getting attunement on friday.......
i get the certicate and everything,,,,,,,

well, while at sandy's , sandy asked me to do "whatever i did" again. i was like okay. but, i used the Reiki hand postions. i didnt ask any questions. when i stopped, Sandy said"that crink in my neck is gone" i was thinking to myself "well, holy crap"
Reiki Master here I come, that's so Jedi

I believe in magic

since i was a little girl in the summer months on the farm, i would always notice small zooms of colored light ,run pass me at any given moment, especially around dusk was when most of them would appear. i never thought much of it, i thought everyone saw what i saw, because my baby sister saw it too. no big deal, who would believe it? my sister and me still talk about it to this day, now,
do you wonder
if me and my sister still have the ability to see the fairies. YES

its always easier in summer to fall months for me to see the fairies
and if your opened minded, i believe you can see the Fairies too
i have helped many people
open their eyes and spirit to amazement.

you can do magic
you can see fairies if your heart desires

in her i know i'm one

i absorb human energy

"another trip to the pychiatrist"
my japanese shrink says to me"shelly, you afraid to leave you house because you pick up on other people's energies?" i shake my head of course "yes"
i said" i used to be able to put a shield around myself but i have become so weak"
my japanese shrink says,"Shelly you must meditate, and build shield round you"

in her, i know i'm one

Phoenix Rising

i had visions of a son
i knew that could never be
the visions of this child were so vivid so real
the BLue Lady SAYS you will have a son
"the phoenix"
my soulmate says okay
i went to rio bravo mexico
thank you dr roberto perez
i got pregnant once
my sweet baby angel grew wings at 8 weeks
i got pregnant twice
my sweet baby angel grew wings at 16 weeks
i got pregnant three times
my sweet phoenix was born
born of a vision. phoenix rising
i her, i know i'm one

The Step Ladder

i understand schizophrenia only because i have schizophrenia.
it seems like there are different levels of schizophrenia at any given moment, at least for me, just attacking away at me. almost like a step ladder. i can be at the bottom of my step ladder and everything is fine, just one voice i have to listen to "the Blue lady"
then just one certain trigger, like an outing to walmart will evoke the voice of ZUle, and he tells me every man wants to abduct me in the store. and then i am at the top of the stepladder ready just to fall off and try to pick up the tiny pieces that are left of me. the Blue lady does her best...
in her, i know i'm one

meditation with the Blue LADy

as meditation began
the BLue Lady says to me
its wonderful to be here, its certainly a thrill
well, i just had to lend a helping hand.............

before you slip into the land of faire

the Blue LAdy asks me to look into my spirit
and look at all the love that's sleeping
the Blue lady weeps

the blue lady tells me the world, its turning
every mistake, i must surely be learning
still the Blue lady weeps

i embrace the Blue lady
maybe in another reality i have found you there.
it feels like heaven is so far away. but maybe right here within us
i cant deal with it, its so unfair

then the Blue Lady says i have been with you since
there's been stars in the heavens. you are my child.

2b continued

in her i know, i'm one

maybe dinner maybe not

i have a horrible seroquel headache. just another side effect of this crazy drug.
it could be my high blood pressure causing the headache who in the world knows.
robert will be home at seven wanting to go out to dinner for stupid valentines day, who cares, just give me a bag (?) i 'll be good

meditation went ok last night. i have alot of work to do as far as focusing. but i think i have found a good location in my house to focus. it will take practice practice practice

robert called again, be ready to go to dinner,,,, BLAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAaaaaaa
in her, i know i'm one

My Psychiatrist appointment yesterday

we were hit with 5 inches of snow yesterday, but my psychiatrist was there ready and waiting for me. it was such a scary drive from my house to the office but the 2 blue tabs of valium made life alot easier. i was locked and loaded for my doctor's appointment, more like loaded......

after my nerves calmed down after the drive and i sat in her office, ONCE again no waiting for 3o minutes

i was like a chatter box. i told my japanese shrink all kinds of stuff,,
i told her how the Blue lady was doing, and how she told me she would never be dismissed.

the one ironic thing is my psychiatrist recommmends to meditate once a day. i dont know how much good this will do. my energy will increase and the Blue lady will have 100% open communication. another problem for me is where to find a place in this house to meditate. hmmm, i will figure it out.
i have a particular crystal that i meditated with 10 years ago. i can still hold that crystal to this day and feel it alive and thriving. my psychiatrist recommends me meditating with this particular crystal. i dont know if she realizes what she is asking me to do. i 100% believe that the people from atlantis stored different sources of energy into crystal.

everything the Blue Lady taught me spiritually is stored within this crystal from 10 years ago.

as i meditate with it spiritual lessons will emerge.
it seems maybe it time to unlock that part of my spirit.

you see i made a deal with the gods several years ago
i yearned for a son with my soulmate
the soulmate the blue lady told me i would find
the moment i met my husband, the BLUE lady whispered " he's the ONe"
we had a handfastening two weeks after we met and were married and have been married for 9 years
the BLUE lady showed me the vision of my son
i couldnt have any more children i thought
i was sterile
but as a lesson just taught

the impossible is possible
and the possible is impossible

i now have a son, we will just call him the "phoenix" almost his birthday

so meditation begins with the crystal......
what lessons will emerge from the BLUE lady?

in her i know, i'm one

Watching shadows on the wall

people think i am crazy. they dont imagine me the way i used to be.
people ask me questions, and i'm just lost about what there asking me in confusion.
i tell them there's no problem,
i know they shake there head and think i've lost my mind

i know people think i am just sitting here watching my world roll by
but i really love to watch my world roll by
i'm just dreaming my life away
i had to just let it go
once again lost confusion

people try to give me all kinds of advice but
when i'm tell them i'm fine and watching shadows on the wall and listening to the voices, they cant recommend any more advice

i'm just sitting here watches the shadows on the wall, i just love to watch then roll

in her i know, i'm one

1-30--08

robert has been off of work for a couple of days. so, i havent gotten much alone time. but i have been very tired lately. i could just sleep

there is hardly no day
there is hardly no night.

i went out yesterday, me and the baby needed to leave the house. its been a week since we left the house. i just dont know why i isolate myself so much. it must be from the schizophrenia. maybe its seasonal for the deep winter months. my winter personality.

i have been interested in mexican history. i have kept reading the book the mayan prophecies. i am proud of myself. i will be planning a vacation to mexico city soon. to visit the temples and pyramids.

i need to meditate and focus. i will try to focus and do it. its almost the first of the month. what a wild ride this month has been for me. i am still feeling very strange on the seroquel. not being able to go out and shop is strange, i used to be so confident and feel safe.

the seroquel has been making me crave so much sugar. i ate to large boxes of cookies. and the evil, evil chocolate.

i am beginning to believe the blue lady is a spiritual guide. or still i am schizo

in her, i know, i'm one

journel entry 1-23-08 Promising days

i went to see my neighbor sandy yesterday. in the beginning of the visit was great. but her husband has issues, the energy of the visit turned turned negative towards of the visit. robert bolted on me with the baby, speaking of negative energy it makes me feel sick inside when i am around neagative. i just wanted to vomit. i will miss amanda is all i will say about that.
i miss sandy, i think it was a while ago since our last visit. at least one week before my new psychiatrist appointment.

the Blue lady came to visit with me yesterday. the energy was very enlightening. and lasted a while. i feel like i am at the beginning of a new path as i was 10 years ago. She mentioned about the mayans and to look into the mayan calendar. i needed to take a look at the mayan prophecies. so, read up on them.. i would love to go mexico. those mayans, aztecs lost there old ways to christianity too. but if you would have seen all those people get sacrificed, you would probably would have impose christianity on them too. the spainards thought the aztecs were demon possessed. but the information was very eye opening . the mayan calendar ends at 12-22-2012 ad. the mayans predicted the end of time. who knows? but maybe a time of enlightenmemt.

i am pretty open minded about such things. maybe that's why i have been hearing so much schizophrenic chatter. i do know i have been picking up on more and more energy currents.

winter is a gloomy time of year. living up north is an experience. robert went back to work today he is doing 60 hrs this week. that's hard especially on the baby. i'll try to focus on reading about the mayan prophecies. it is difficult to focus sometimes.

i have noticed i have been getting little ticks or tremors in my body, maybe from the seroquel. it's all probably in my head.

another one of my schizophrenic visuals and audio has showed himself. i call him the WIND. he comes in the form of circled light. sometimes in shadows. the WInd just started saying my name, he sounds like a cobra if a cobra could speak. i have been seeing him more and more over the last couple of days. i think he has something to do with energy manifesting itself.

i need to close for now,

in her, i know i'm one

1-21 08 6:38pm

yesterday i woke up with the worst seroquel headache. on a scale of 1-10, i would say 8.5. there was only one other headache in my life that was worse. i think it has some thing to do with sugar. i drank alot of sweet tea. this morning i was fine. i still pass out on the darn couch from needing more sleep. at about 2:30 i felt better. so, i am taking the seroquel at 9:00pm. that's only six good hours for me a day.

just as a side note, my headache pain was crazy. i though about going to the hospital but didnt want to go to the emergency waiting lobby. i had been suffering from the headache since 4:00am, finally at 9:30am robert came in and found me some motrin. i knew that would work, and i drank a small glass of tea. well, not enough sweet tea, so i managed to lift my head up and stumble to the kitchen for more tea. i drank the entire glass. i went back to my bed, the BLUE lady came to me, and said "you'll sleep now child". and i did go right to sleep. when i finally got up for the day i felt like i had headache hangover. that when you still have a tiny headache that is bearable.

robert had had some time off today and we left the house. i felt fine in walmart, nothing but old ladies and mommies. i usually trip out and think everyone want to get me. strange i know, but that's the life a schizophrenic

the baby needed to leave the house. i swear i just done want to leave this house. i need to take baby to see my neighbor next door. this medicine could be making things worse. six good hours a day is not enough. i dread taking the seroquel the side effects suck.
ticks
tremers
weight gain
diabetes
the BLUE lady says to keep taking them. i bet she wants me to take them, the seroquel makes her front and center. i feel like i hear more and more chatter.

HMMM, i cant wait until the spring. the BLUE lady says to build and grow a fairy garden, she says now that i remember the fairies the will come to my garden. but to nuture the flowers with fairy energy. dreams of spring. when i can get outside. that warms the soul.

i have totally blown off dr bertani and the blood work. i just dont feel like getting poked again. after my hospital visit and quest, i am afraid of needles. what is wrong with me. i am probably ok, but who knows.

the Blue lady says to make a better effort to see my neighbor tomorrow.
DAMN SEROQUEL

journal entry 1-19 10:56

i took my seroquel at 9:00pm. last night i didnt got to sleep until the 3:00am. and when finally feel asleep i had another seroquel dream. this one was of a giant rattle snake. another extreme nightmare of a king kong rattle snake chasing me at my dad's house.

it was the same this morning when i got up at 12:30pm. i dragged myself out of the bed. i went to eat, that didnt seem to get me out of my fuzzy seroquel haze. until i ate chocolate.. then i felt better and better. no wonder people gain weight on this seroquel crap.

nothing much today except i had a normal conversation with my mil. i know these people think i am going insane, i go from one extreme to the other.anyway she told me crap about robert's ex wife. i swear she talks about her alot. it always in a negative sense, but still enough to my make my blood boil just enough for ZULE to control my thoughts which is never good. i just feel the energy in my spirit turn. it is a rush, but not a very good one. no one should think like that.

a total crossover
black to white
white to black

my visuals or hallucinations havent faded, my mind feels like it doesnt have a turn off switch
there are shadows hanging over me. it looks like there here to stay . i am not half the person i used to be. i need them to be wished away. oh joy?

in her, i know i'm one

journal entry 1-18 9:38pm

my baby just grabbed little kitty's tail and didnt strike him. i was so scared because she could have tore him up. those cats of ours have adjusted well to the baby. who would have thought. the baby does whatever he just plays and plays. he hasnt rally said mama yet except when he cries. but he is really smart. boy smart. climbing is baby scary. we live in a split level house. not baby friendly at all. i have a gate in the kitchen and on the stairs.. the BLUE Lady says " the gods will keep him protected". they will protect him..

i need to mention i have been having strange dreams. i call them seroquel dreams. i could barely hold my head up in the morning from the seroquel. maybe i should do coffee. when i dream those seroquel dreams they are so vivid.. so, now i am waking from the dreams. last night was good not comfortable at all. i am still tired from the seroquel. why cant i just have some valium, i am already taking zoloft. but i need to sleep. anyway, i went back to sleep for one hour, which i shouldnt have done. i had a dream that my husband had cheating on me again. this is a recurring dream. it repeats itself again and again. but this time the dream didnt leave me during the day. so no naps for me, i am afraid of the dreams. i have had several recurring dreams in my life time. the most prominent was the BIGFOOT dream, it eventually played itself out with a good ending. but being five years old and dreaming about big foot was a nightmare.

i dont know what could come from the dream of my husband cheating on me. maybe to learn from the dream. the BLUE lady says to learn strength. the blue lady says from having my son i should know that
the impossible is possible and
the possible is impossible.

i pray tonight my dreams are of warmth and sunshine.

robert and me did talk and we decided we would have our son at a beach at sunrise for his birthday. we will watch the atum rise. (sun) the BLUE lady is pleased. i am excited. i hope this seroquel doesnt interfere. the BLUE lady says it will not.

i always feel so much more alive in the night. i will try the coffee in the morning. that must work, or else i will feel like a zombie.

I AM AFRAID OF MY DREAMS!!!!!!!!!!!!

in her i know i'm one

1-17-08 9:53pm

today was a pretty good day. i really didnt do anything. dinner was good. evening came and the blue lady came to me. she made me remember a book i had bought nine years ago. the book is called 101 read aloud myths and legends. the book has wonderful stories from mythology. tonight was the first night i read a story out of it to my 10 month old son. the story of the great achilles. it tells of how his mother dipped him in the river styx for protection.

i think when we go to florida, we will take my son to the beach and watch the sunrise on his birthday. he was born at 5:30am. this could be possible. i couldnt think of a better birthday for him.

amazing but i bought the myths and legends book nine years ago, for my 10 month old son. my baby listened to the story of achilles while drinking his bottle. i still cant believe i have him. his astrology the sign is the pisces

in her i know i'm one

entries from my journel 1-16-08 8:49pm

today i did the white laundry. which is the absolute worst. i have such a hard time focusing on matching the dreaded white socks. it drives me insane.. some days when i am thinking more clearly, i'll dump the socks on the floor and robert will do them for me. he will jump in and fold the cloths special way. but back to the socks. i started them at 3:00pm, and i just finished them at 8:45. i cant believe it, i have decided to throw away two pairs of my socks. they have holes in them. me and my sister never had socks when we were growing up. we always had NO socks. and if we did get socks, we would go spend the night at a friends house, and pretend we forgot our socks. hence a pair of socks. so, it is very HARD to throw away socks even with holes. robert's mom bought me i think 12 pairs of socks for christmas. that's a bounty of socks. the funny thing is my sister is a sock purchaser.
it is so painful to throw the socks away

so, i was listening to the blue lady. and questions were raised in my mind as i am living in reality.

in a christian's world, some christians would say "god talks to me" and that's okay and not Schizophrenia. and if a christian sinned, the devil caused them to do it.

could it be that the blue lady is my divinity my spirituality and that zule is my devil. did the devil and god never argue. god always seemed to have won the battles in the bible. now i wasnt raised a christian for sure.

the difference, but true is, how i feel the evil within my body ans spirit when zule is in control. when the blue lady is around i feel love, and inner peace, a calming energy.

the blue lady shared guidance to me, my spirituality . she says to center myself. to find balance between the two of them. the blue lady says she can not be dismissed by the seroquel.

i am going to take the seroquel earlier as it seemed to make me feel funny quickly.

in her, i know i'm one

the sounds of silence 1-16-07 1:30am

The first time i took the SEROQuel.
today was an ok day, until my confusion became an issue again. i can not remember things somedays. i will do whole loads of laundry, wash dry, fold, and not remembering doing it. well, yesterday i had a conversation with robert that again left my mind. it was about the jeeps transmission. i did not remember what was he said .he said he asked to take the jeep to the shop. i asked him was that today or yesterday? not remembering the conversation. i dont think he understood what was happening to me. he said i kept talking in circles. he lost his patience with me, which is never good with robert. he gets louder and louder and louder and even louder. i finally yelled back."you must be the reason i am schizophrenic .SHEW it was bad.Zule just laughed because i had agitated robert so much. HMMMM,, giggle giggle. but robert could use this against me because it is a weakness. me thinking i am crazy. he for one is not perfect. but i need calm, and alot of patience which he does not have alot of.especially the loud loud. we will be fine. MY MIND MY MIND i am burning incense it is calming. i think i will go lay down since i dont know what to experience from the seroquel. i want to clean my house. i cant focus enough on house work. laundry is the hardest. sorting and folding I HATE TO FOLD. focus on the house tomorrow the blue lady says, by the way the blue lady calls me "Child" try to get some sleep she says, sleep sleep

i see shapeshifting colors in the hall, the colors almost form something, it looks to moving down the hallway. GO AWAY sleep now

in her, i know i am one

The days of eternalsunshine 1-14-07

today was the first day of admission of mad manic mind.
i met my dr that the blue lady told me i would find. i dont know how to describe my new doctor. she is perfect. i walked in her office just standing looking at three doors. i could smell incense burning, maybe sandlewood. another lady walked an said there is no one here, you just wait until the doctor came out. in one second she came out of her office, she was japenese or some sort of asian descent. but, no waiting.... you mean no waiting thirty minutes. Hmmm the blue lady was right. i would find the perfect doctor and i did. more on the blue lady later.

it seems old but many things came into perpective. i had a rotten week, i dont even know where i went. i have must have taken a vacation from the real world. my husband went out of town monday evening and made very angry. he spent way to much money, on liquor and anything else he could possibly pay for. i went through single emotion, anger,sad, depressed, i 100% withdrew from my husband and son. i first yelled, cried, cried, cried, and withdrew further and further in the world of my mad mind. i also seem to go through every personality. the worst was the voice of zule. he mad me become more and more angry. he took total control of me and
my mind by yesterday was exchauseted. i couldnt make an expression. i didnt eat for most of the week. zule told me i need to be thin he said. and sad for me i didnt pay much attention to the baby. the control of zule was to overwhelming.

wednesday january 9th was our ninth wedding anniversary. robert had a great time monday with the guys and zule told me i couldnt compare with that the resturant i chose, which made me crazy. i didnt want robert to live me alone for a second. the resturant was super loud. which my mind couldnt handle with all the noise already. the noise of the people drove me crazy and i mean nutso. i was disappointed which deepend my depression. i complained and complained.

by saturday something told me to check our other bank accounts, and it was empty. i am not going to say it was one of the voices telling me to check it, i just did. so at this point rage has come back through zule. i stuck a pair of scissors through my hand but the blue lady yelled.. NO!!! that was it. mental madness was at its peak.

by sunday of that week my house had totally fallen apart. i need energy to get it right again. robert has fed me most of the week if i ate at all.

by now its january 14th, today i go to the doctor reveiling my voices. something happened to me. i came home, robert cooked. i are shrimp, they were okay. and i felt something just click. all of a sudden i was back from vacation. i wanted to clean my house, i had a little more energy and i ws finally hungry. robert went to arby's and ate and ate.

tomorrow i start my new medicine. its a little scary . i dont want to loose the blue lady. she helped me find the perfect doctor,(the incense) the blue lady tells me she'll never leave me. the blue lady found my husband and i have my baby boy because of her

its 4:12am, not sleeping yet. colors are vivid, even with the lights on. i hate the dark. shadows are moving through the house. i dont believe they want to hurt me just watching me watch them. balance has returned and i will dream a dream of faire.

in her, i know i'm one

the journal soon begins

i will be adding my compiled journals during my adventures with my spiritual split mind,

someone needs to know, i am sure i am not the only schizophrenic on this blogger.
or maybe the gods love me, oooooo, that fine line again between sanity and insanity,
Don't you love it????
or just love the seroquel

hmmm

tell me all your thoughts of god, and i'll tell you mine, the mind of a schizophrenic,,,,,,