When One turn beComes aNothEr

my thoughts have drifted once again into the Land of Faire,,,
i have wondered all my life about my childhood. there is so much i chose not to remember as a little girl that i lost all memories of that time period in my life... i wondered why i found it so hard to mother my first son, well, it had dawned on me, //////////// WHY???

during my visit with my daddy, i noticed how he never even looked at the Phoenix.. the baby Phoenix just crawled over his lap with my daddy not even barely noticing His grandson.
DING!!!!!!
was this what life was like for me as a baby? not being held or loved or barely noticed.....

when one turn becomes another.......

with my boys, i have three.
my first born is just that.
First...
i love him so much.
i was so young when i had him, i hardly knew how to take care of myself, but we managed... i hugged and kissed you the best i knew how, i look at you now and you are a such a strong young man. if i had all to do over i would but only for you,,, my First........
Superman will always be my Hero.
Now, i ask myself,
did i hug you enough when you were a baby boy? i believe i did.......
did i let you stay up late with me and watch t.v. together? i know i did.......
did i let you have what ever i could afford to buy you and more? for sure i did.....
i made extra sure you had friends to play with while growing up with........

i dont think i am that great of a mama, but i try,,,,,, as we all do,,

what can i do better?

or a better question. can i get better?

as spiritual is as spiritual does....


my psychiatrist decided to up my dosage of seroquel.
also my zoloft has increased to 100 mg...... so, my body is just like WOW.......

i am just wondering when the Evil of my schizophrenia will come knocking on my door..... that's when i come undone............ my spirituality and schizophrenia just Dual at each other....... i believe that the evil schizophrenia are me and my demons at war.. as Simple as THAT

who do you have? there is Her.........

in her i know i'm one