Saturday, December 26, 2009

why my house

i imagine a row of 125 houses all filled with children. An Austism chose my house. Maybe i should have marked my door like the Hebrews did at Passover.
Amazing things dwell within that spirit of is. The child already has a relationship with Christ. When we visit the thrift store he can pick up all things jesus. I want to get him a Christ Buddy. He is not so scary. Why does Jesus have to be so creepy. All except the baby jesus.

we are working hard to get on Phoenix's level. i dont know if i ever could. but, that seems to be only way to reach him. what is happening? where is the life that i recognize?

my pawpaw has left this world.. i miss him so much. i understand grief now. it hurts so bad.
the last time i saw him, i told him how much i loved him. i knew it would be the last time i saw him. painful as it is, i knew immediately he felt better. he didnt feel so good......

Friday, November 13, 2009

dancing in a fire

i tell you, some times i need someone to listen. but i feel i stand alone most of the time. i have tried taking care of myself the best i can......
Fibromyalgia has been kicking my ass lately. i have been going to water therapy and that was pretty awesome. who knew?? another thing that has been bothering me is my B-12 deficiency. my nerves were literally sizzling. I felt like i had electricity vibrating through my body, like i was dancing in a fire. i remember laying in bed one night before this flare began. I woke up to my entire body feeling like fire was flowing through my me. this could have been a spiritual experience i felt like i could have moved mountains with this fire power. look now, look around. voices and other sounds, can you see me now?
well, to sum all that up, i have to give myself b-12 shots. Clear the way for me.
you know your something special, but who knows what, i just shine when i can..
to all the billion souls out there, the life you've been given, can be grand, sometimes it doesnt seem that way. look at yourself, you make me feel alive. luck has always been on your side. i dont need to understand this. i cant put any better.

the winter is coming to the mountains. save me from the reminders,, i feel the sun fading away.. it is lonely here. my world is different.


in her i know i am one

Wednesday, November 4, 2009

Autism Sucks

well, the intervention team believes my Crystal has Autism.
Phoenix's teacher asks me how i feel about the possibility of Autism.
I said to her, Autism Spectrum Disorder is such a broad term, he probably does fall somewhere in the Spectrum. But let's see... as i spoke, i felt my heart sinking, i guess she is trying to prepare me.. I dont know...
Phoenix can talk, sure he has speech delay. but, if you listen, he sings.. and sings. I remember visiting with my sister, she said to me.. " is he singing"
He sings all the time.. My two year old is not talking or communicating the way the medical community deems fit.. Phoenix does communicate with me. But i cant tell his doctor or speech therapist of his mental communication.


in her i know i am one

Wednesday, October 7, 2009

crystal he is

once again with a new doctor the little Phoenix must see a speech therapist. We cant seem to get away from his speech delay. after doing some reading, i have found that crystal children seem to have exceptional visual symbolic skills. Meaning crystal children can recall their ABC's and 123's. Amazing. Phoenix has known his letters and numbers for a while. Oneday, Phoenix's father caught him one morning saying his letters. But he cant talk. He can say and recall at random all 26 letters of the alphabet. Now at two years old he can not say but 15 words max.
I know their are more crystal mothers out there. Just like me. Raising a crystal is a gift, but it is definately has it challenges. My biggest challenge is trying to get through speech therapy. Phoenix has his own language. he sounds like a whale singing a song.
lately it seems he has been a magnet for senior citizens. Mostly, senior citizens want to touch his golden blonde curly hair. but once the Phoenix locks his eyes on them, they just want to talk and play with him. Phoenix usually tucks his head down low, and will push the person away after a period of time. I guess he just had enough. And he Never ever speaks to anyone.

Wednesday, June 3, 2009

Whispers i dont wish to hear

a call to my granny leads to tears
my paw paw does not feel well today.
i dont know how old he is maybe 75.
i know i will be seeing him soon.
my fear is could it could be my last time i lay eyes on him.
i drift to the Land of faire as i am so teary.
i hear the whispers, the Blue lady says at least you know child
the phoenix comes to play with my hair to make me feel better
i have been told to listen to my whispers
i have heard some of the most beautiful whispers in my lifetime.
whispers of a true love, a child, what is real or not real
there are whispers i wish i would not hear from the Blue Lady.

in her i know i am one

Tuesday, May 19, 2009

child of mine

i feel spring trying to show its warm face, i saw you, what's it all about?
you will get your way, my roses have bloomed
who would believe it

my Phoenix has grown so much through the winter.
his long blonde curly hair reflects in the yellow sun
every rock must be picked up
ants and snails are his favorite.
there can be no doubt
he cast his spell when he steps outside
the birds come to pay him a visit
who would be believe it

i remember you in dreams
the child of mine
you were conceived not once,twice, but three times.
the eyes of the gods have been watching over you

we live in a house full of spirit
you laugh and giggle, for no silly reason.
who could be tickling you

the Phoenix is happiest when he beats his Drum


in her i know
i am one

Friday, April 24, 2009

trick of the beat

now, that the next phase of my life has begun.. its amazing what can happen in a matter of months. i have moved again.. i have a mountain view, but once again..
its just another day. just my surrounding have changed, sometimes i feel so sad,, sipping my coffee and chasing rainbows. i was once held down, fighting schizophrenia and my spiritually split mind. my journey has lead me to listen to my whispers, listen to my inner self....... but, i have to turn my head until this darkness goes.. i wish i could take a break, but its to hard to stay awake... alone again until , he comes and he goes but he always leaves...

the one that you are looking for?
could it be that i do not wish to be found or maybe forgotten.. maybe just a vision from long ago,
i dont know why i do that, meet people, make them apart of my life, then i move on again never to be seen again.. i guess that makes me a bit of a mystery, turn to myth..
i must say i am doing alright.. what can i do? i always smile at the people i meet...i'll just bide my time with you........ i've got to move to the trick of the beat.

i have forgotten how spiritual i have been born to be. i guess i must shut down that workings of my mind sometimes or i feel i will short out.
come what may,
but, then its rekindled, something happens,life altering,
a person i knew was pulled away before her time, i met her when she was 7 and she happen to have the same birthday as me.she was my neighbor. the same age as my sister, they were the best of friends growing up together... as she grew to be part of our family. now, at 29 years of age she has gone away suddenly. maybe in another life i will find you there.. to know, to remember, to love again old friend... i look at myself... i look at myself.. the floor needs sweeping... listen to your whispers

i've come to talk to you again, you left visions in mind that still remain. you spent the night dancing in my dreams, you heard my words and you might reach me, but the signs flashed its meaning.

the blue lady has me once again, she came for a visit, what do we talk about? how long will she stay. i thought the Blue Lady laid sleeping, i guess she heard my weeps..



in her i know i am one..........