under my thumb

it happened, my ex husband asked my husband for child support for the boys. um you read it right. i have no job. and i will not get a job either. as i have issues. i realized something yesterday, i am very slow, it takes me a long time to process information. my neighbor sandy was trying to crochet for therapy. her son keith decided he would show me how to crochet. i swear i begged keith not to loose his patience with me. i think it took me an hour to learn to do the circle. i felt like the village idiot.
oh yeah, my ex husband ask my husband for MONEY!!!!
ok i had to get that out there 1 more time. as it does make to help me emotionally. i feel like there are so many Vultures just picking away at my husband. give me give me.
my husband is counting down the days until all the children are graduated. he doesnt know if he wants a corvette or a bmw. shew, what a chunk change.........
its alright

i have finally found the perfect place to meditate in my house. that was very cool, i used my pendulum and cleared it. hmmmm perfect

my pyschiatrist recommended i go see my neighbor . so, i have. i went to visit her and brought my pendulum it was going nuts around keith.

well, lately the Blue Lady recommended Reiki for me. She just came to me "You can do Reiki". HMMMM i thought, is reiki what i think it is? passing spiritual healing energy through laying on of the hands. i can do this, i always have naturally been able to. kinda like a volt going through my hands. i had already tried this out on my neighbor who is a quadraplegic. i put my hands on her feet and she could feel the vibrations running through her, including her legs. and the funny thing is the pendulum has one of the Reiki symbols on it. i only bought 4 years ago. weird

i looked further into this Reiki.
i found a Reiki Master. LOL online
i took the reiki 1 test
and i am getting attunement on friday.......
i get the certicate and everything,,,,,,,

well, while at sandy's , sandy asked me to do "whatever i did" again. i was like okay. but, i used the Reiki hand postions. i didnt ask any questions. when i stopped, Sandy said"that crink in my neck is gone" i was thinking to myself "well, holy crap"
Reiki Master here I come, that's so Jedi

I believe in magic

since i was a little girl in the summer months on the farm, i would always notice small zooms of colored light ,run pass me at any given moment, especially around dusk was when most of them would appear. i never thought much of it, i thought everyone saw what i saw, because my baby sister saw it too. no big deal, who would believe it? my sister and me still talk about it to this day, now,
do you wonder
if me and my sister still have the ability to see the fairies. YES

its always easier in summer to fall months for me to see the fairies
and if your opened minded, i believe you can see the Fairies too
i have helped many people
open their eyes and spirit to amazement.

you can do magic
you can see fairies if your heart desires

in her i know i'm one

i absorb human energy

"another trip to the pychiatrist"
my japanese shrink says to me"shelly, you afraid to leave you house because you pick up on other people's energies?" i shake my head of course "yes"
i said" i used to be able to put a shield around myself but i have become so weak"
my japanese shrink says,"Shelly you must meditate, and build shield round you"

in her, i know i'm one

Phoenix Rising

i had visions of a son
i knew that could never be
the visions of this child were so vivid so real
the BLue Lady SAYS you will have a son
"the phoenix"
my soulmate says okay
i went to rio bravo mexico
thank you dr roberto perez
i got pregnant once
my sweet baby angel grew wings at 8 weeks
i got pregnant twice
my sweet baby angel grew wings at 16 weeks
i got pregnant three times
my sweet phoenix was born
born of a vision. phoenix rising
i her, i know i'm one

The Step Ladder

i understand schizophrenia only because i have schizophrenia.
it seems like there are different levels of schizophrenia at any given moment, at least for me, just attacking away at me. almost like a step ladder. i can be at the bottom of my step ladder and everything is fine, just one voice i have to listen to "the Blue lady"
then just one certain trigger, like an outing to walmart will evoke the voice of ZUle, and he tells me every man wants to abduct me in the store. and then i am at the top of the stepladder ready just to fall off and try to pick up the tiny pieces that are left of me. the Blue lady does her best...
in her, i know i'm one

meditation with the Blue LADy

as meditation began
the BLue Lady says to me
its wonderful to be here, its certainly a thrill
well, i just had to lend a helping hand.............

before you slip into the land of faire

the Blue LAdy asks me to look into my spirit
and look at all the love that's sleeping
the Blue lady weeps

the blue lady tells me the world, its turning
every mistake, i must surely be learning
still the Blue lady weeps

i embrace the Blue lady
maybe in another reality i have found you there.
it feels like heaven is so far away. but maybe right here within us
i cant deal with it, its so unfair

then the Blue Lady says i have been with you since
there's been stars in the heavens. you are my child.

2b continued

in her i know, i'm one

maybe dinner maybe not

i have a horrible seroquel headache. just another side effect of this crazy drug.
it could be my high blood pressure causing the headache who in the world knows.
robert will be home at seven wanting to go out to dinner for stupid valentines day, who cares, just give me a bag (?) i 'll be good

meditation went ok last night. i have alot of work to do as far as focusing. but i think i have found a good location in my house to focus. it will take practice practice practice

robert called again, be ready to go to dinner,,,, BLAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAaaaaaa
in her, i know i'm one

My Psychiatrist appointment yesterday

we were hit with 5 inches of snow yesterday, but my psychiatrist was there ready and waiting for me. it was such a scary drive from my house to the office but the 2 blue tabs of valium made life alot easier. i was locked and loaded for my doctor's appointment, more like loaded......

after my nerves calmed down after the drive and i sat in her office, ONCE again no waiting for 3o minutes

i was like a chatter box. i told my japanese shrink all kinds of stuff,,
i told her how the Blue lady was doing, and how she told me she would never be dismissed.

the one ironic thing is my psychiatrist recommmends to meditate once a day. i dont know how much good this will do. my energy will increase and the Blue lady will have 100% open communication. another problem for me is where to find a place in this house to meditate. hmmm, i will figure it out.
i have a particular crystal that i meditated with 10 years ago. i can still hold that crystal to this day and feel it alive and thriving. my psychiatrist recommends me meditating with this particular crystal. i dont know if she realizes what she is asking me to do. i 100% believe that the people from atlantis stored different sources of energy into crystal.

everything the Blue Lady taught me spiritually is stored within this crystal from 10 years ago.

as i meditate with it spiritual lessons will emerge.
it seems maybe it time to unlock that part of my spirit.

you see i made a deal with the gods several years ago
i yearned for a son with my soulmate
the soulmate the blue lady told me i would find
the moment i met my husband, the BLUE lady whispered " he's the ONe"
we had a handfastening two weeks after we met and were married and have been married for 9 years
the BLUE lady showed me the vision of my son
i couldnt have any more children i thought
i was sterile
but as a lesson just taught

the impossible is possible
and the possible is impossible

i now have a son, we will just call him the "phoenix" almost his birthday

so meditation begins with the crystal......
what lessons will emerge from the BLUE lady?

in her i know, i'm one

Watching shadows on the wall

people think i am crazy. they dont imagine me the way i used to be.
people ask me questions, and i'm just lost about what there asking me in confusion.
i tell them there's no problem,
i know they shake there head and think i've lost my mind

i know people think i am just sitting here watching my world roll by
but i really love to watch my world roll by
i'm just dreaming my life away
i had to just let it go
once again lost confusion

people try to give me all kinds of advice but
when i'm tell them i'm fine and watching shadows on the wall and listening to the voices, they cant recommend any more advice

i'm just sitting here watches the shadows on the wall, i just love to watch then roll

in her i know, i'm one

1-30--08

robert has been off of work for a couple of days. so, i havent gotten much alone time. but i have been very tired lately. i could just sleep

there is hardly no day
there is hardly no night.

i went out yesterday, me and the baby needed to leave the house. its been a week since we left the house. i just dont know why i isolate myself so much. it must be from the schizophrenia. maybe its seasonal for the deep winter months. my winter personality.

i have been interested in mexican history. i have kept reading the book the mayan prophecies. i am proud of myself. i will be planning a vacation to mexico city soon. to visit the temples and pyramids.

i need to meditate and focus. i will try to focus and do it. its almost the first of the month. what a wild ride this month has been for me. i am still feeling very strange on the seroquel. not being able to go out and shop is strange, i used to be so confident and feel safe.

the seroquel has been making me crave so much sugar. i ate to large boxes of cookies. and the evil, evil chocolate.

i am beginning to believe the blue lady is a spiritual guide. or still i am schizo

in her, i know, i'm one

journel entry 1-23-08 Promising days

i went to see my neighbor sandy yesterday. in the beginning of the visit was great. but her husband has issues, the energy of the visit turned turned negative towards of the visit. robert bolted on me with the baby, speaking of negative energy it makes me feel sick inside when i am around neagative. i just wanted to vomit. i will miss amanda is all i will say about that.
i miss sandy, i think it was a while ago since our last visit. at least one week before my new psychiatrist appointment.

the Blue lady came to visit with me yesterday. the energy was very enlightening. and lasted a while. i feel like i am at the beginning of a new path as i was 10 years ago. She mentioned about the mayans and to look into the mayan calendar. i needed to take a look at the mayan prophecies. so, read up on them.. i would love to go mexico. those mayans, aztecs lost there old ways to christianity too. but if you would have seen all those people get sacrificed, you would probably would have impose christianity on them too. the spainards thought the aztecs were demon possessed. but the information was very eye opening . the mayan calendar ends at 12-22-2012 ad. the mayans predicted the end of time. who knows? but maybe a time of enlightenmemt.

i am pretty open minded about such things. maybe that's why i have been hearing so much schizophrenic chatter. i do know i have been picking up on more and more energy currents.

winter is a gloomy time of year. living up north is an experience. robert went back to work today he is doing 60 hrs this week. that's hard especially on the baby. i'll try to focus on reading about the mayan prophecies. it is difficult to focus sometimes.

i have noticed i have been getting little ticks or tremors in my body, maybe from the seroquel. it's all probably in my head.

another one of my schizophrenic visuals and audio has showed himself. i call him the WIND. he comes in the form of circled light. sometimes in shadows. the WInd just started saying my name, he sounds like a cobra if a cobra could speak. i have been seeing him more and more over the last couple of days. i think he has something to do with energy manifesting itself.

i need to close for now,

in her, i know i'm one

1-21 08 6:38pm

yesterday i woke up with the worst seroquel headache. on a scale of 1-10, i would say 8.5. there was only one other headache in my life that was worse. i think it has some thing to do with sugar. i drank alot of sweet tea. this morning i was fine. i still pass out on the darn couch from needing more sleep. at about 2:30 i felt better. so, i am taking the seroquel at 9:00pm. that's only six good hours for me a day.

just as a side note, my headache pain was crazy. i though about going to the hospital but didnt want to go to the emergency waiting lobby. i had been suffering from the headache since 4:00am, finally at 9:30am robert came in and found me some motrin. i knew that would work, and i drank a small glass of tea. well, not enough sweet tea, so i managed to lift my head up and stumble to the kitchen for more tea. i drank the entire glass. i went back to my bed, the BLUE lady came to me, and said "you'll sleep now child". and i did go right to sleep. when i finally got up for the day i felt like i had headache hangover. that when you still have a tiny headache that is bearable.

robert had had some time off today and we left the house. i felt fine in walmart, nothing but old ladies and mommies. i usually trip out and think everyone want to get me. strange i know, but that's the life a schizophrenic

the baby needed to leave the house. i swear i just done want to leave this house. i need to take baby to see my neighbor next door. this medicine could be making things worse. six good hours a day is not enough. i dread taking the seroquel the side effects suck.
ticks
tremers
weight gain
diabetes
the BLUE lady says to keep taking them. i bet she wants me to take them, the seroquel makes her front and center. i feel like i hear more and more chatter.

HMMM, i cant wait until the spring. the BLUE lady says to build and grow a fairy garden, she says now that i remember the fairies the will come to my garden. but to nuture the flowers with fairy energy. dreams of spring. when i can get outside. that warms the soul.

i have totally blown off dr bertani and the blood work. i just dont feel like getting poked again. after my hospital visit and quest, i am afraid of needles. what is wrong with me. i am probably ok, but who knows.

the Blue lady says to make a better effort to see my neighbor tomorrow.
DAMN SEROQUEL

journal entry 1-19 10:56

i took my seroquel at 9:00pm. last night i didnt got to sleep until the 3:00am. and when finally feel asleep i had another seroquel dream. this one was of a giant rattle snake. another extreme nightmare of a king kong rattle snake chasing me at my dad's house.

it was the same this morning when i got up at 12:30pm. i dragged myself out of the bed. i went to eat, that didnt seem to get me out of my fuzzy seroquel haze. until i ate chocolate.. then i felt better and better. no wonder people gain weight on this seroquel crap.

nothing much today except i had a normal conversation with my mil. i know these people think i am going insane, i go from one extreme to the other.anyway she told me crap about robert's ex wife. i swear she talks about her alot. it always in a negative sense, but still enough to my make my blood boil just enough for ZULE to control my thoughts which is never good. i just feel the energy in my spirit turn. it is a rush, but not a very good one. no one should think like that.

a total crossover
black to white
white to black

my visuals or hallucinations havent faded, my mind feels like it doesnt have a turn off switch
there are shadows hanging over me. it looks like there here to stay . i am not half the person i used to be. i need them to be wished away. oh joy?

in her, i know i'm one

journal entry 1-18 9:38pm

my baby just grabbed little kitty's tail and didnt strike him. i was so scared because she could have tore him up. those cats of ours have adjusted well to the baby. who would have thought. the baby does whatever he just plays and plays. he hasnt rally said mama yet except when he cries. but he is really smart. boy smart. climbing is baby scary. we live in a split level house. not baby friendly at all. i have a gate in the kitchen and on the stairs.. the BLUE Lady says " the gods will keep him protected". they will protect him..

i need to mention i have been having strange dreams. i call them seroquel dreams. i could barely hold my head up in the morning from the seroquel. maybe i should do coffee. when i dream those seroquel dreams they are so vivid.. so, now i am waking from the dreams. last night was good not comfortable at all. i am still tired from the seroquel. why cant i just have some valium, i am already taking zoloft. but i need to sleep. anyway, i went back to sleep for one hour, which i shouldnt have done. i had a dream that my husband had cheating on me again. this is a recurring dream. it repeats itself again and again. but this time the dream didnt leave me during the day. so no naps for me, i am afraid of the dreams. i have had several recurring dreams in my life time. the most prominent was the BIGFOOT dream, it eventually played itself out with a good ending. but being five years old and dreaming about big foot was a nightmare.

i dont know what could come from the dream of my husband cheating on me. maybe to learn from the dream. the BLUE lady says to learn strength. the blue lady says from having my son i should know that
the impossible is possible and
the possible is impossible.

i pray tonight my dreams are of warmth and sunshine.

robert and me did talk and we decided we would have our son at a beach at sunrise for his birthday. we will watch the atum rise. (sun) the BLUE lady is pleased. i am excited. i hope this seroquel doesnt interfere. the BLUE lady says it will not.

i always feel so much more alive in the night. i will try the coffee in the morning. that must work, or else i will feel like a zombie.

I AM AFRAID OF MY DREAMS!!!!!!!!!!!!

in her i know i'm one

1-17-08 9:53pm

today was a pretty good day. i really didnt do anything. dinner was good. evening came and the blue lady came to me. she made me remember a book i had bought nine years ago. the book is called 101 read aloud myths and legends. the book has wonderful stories from mythology. tonight was the first night i read a story out of it to my 10 month old son. the story of the great achilles. it tells of how his mother dipped him in the river styx for protection.

i think when we go to florida, we will take my son to the beach and watch the sunrise on his birthday. he was born at 5:30am. this could be possible. i couldnt think of a better birthday for him.

amazing but i bought the myths and legends book nine years ago, for my 10 month old son. my baby listened to the story of achilles while drinking his bottle. i still cant believe i have him. his astrology the sign is the pisces

in her i know i'm one

entries from my journel 1-16-08 8:49pm

today i did the white laundry. which is the absolute worst. i have such a hard time focusing on matching the dreaded white socks. it drives me insane.. some days when i am thinking more clearly, i'll dump the socks on the floor and robert will do them for me. he will jump in and fold the cloths special way. but back to the socks. i started them at 3:00pm, and i just finished them at 8:45. i cant believe it, i have decided to throw away two pairs of my socks. they have holes in them. me and my sister never had socks when we were growing up. we always had NO socks. and if we did get socks, we would go spend the night at a friends house, and pretend we forgot our socks. hence a pair of socks. so, it is very HARD to throw away socks even with holes. robert's mom bought me i think 12 pairs of socks for christmas. that's a bounty of socks. the funny thing is my sister is a sock purchaser.
it is so painful to throw the socks away

so, i was listening to the blue lady. and questions were raised in my mind as i am living in reality.

in a christian's world, some christians would say "god talks to me" and that's okay and not Schizophrenia. and if a christian sinned, the devil caused them to do it.

could it be that the blue lady is my divinity my spirituality and that zule is my devil. did the devil and god never argue. god always seemed to have won the battles in the bible. now i wasnt raised a christian for sure.

the difference, but true is, how i feel the evil within my body ans spirit when zule is in control. when the blue lady is around i feel love, and inner peace, a calming energy.

the blue lady shared guidance to me, my spirituality . she says to center myself. to find balance between the two of them. the blue lady says she can not be dismissed by the seroquel.

i am going to take the seroquel earlier as it seemed to make me feel funny quickly.

in her, i know i'm one

the sounds of silence 1-16-07 1:30am

The first time i took the SEROQuel.
today was an ok day, until my confusion became an issue again. i can not remember things somedays. i will do whole loads of laundry, wash dry, fold, and not remembering doing it. well, yesterday i had a conversation with robert that again left my mind. it was about the jeeps transmission. i did not remember what was he said .he said he asked to take the jeep to the shop. i asked him was that today or yesterday? not remembering the conversation. i dont think he understood what was happening to me. he said i kept talking in circles. he lost his patience with me, which is never good with robert. he gets louder and louder and louder and even louder. i finally yelled back."you must be the reason i am schizophrenic .SHEW it was bad.Zule just laughed because i had agitated robert so much. HMMMM,, giggle giggle. but robert could use this against me because it is a weakness. me thinking i am crazy. he for one is not perfect. but i need calm, and alot of patience which he does not have alot of.especially the loud loud. we will be fine. MY MIND MY MIND i am burning incense it is calming. i think i will go lay down since i dont know what to experience from the seroquel. i want to clean my house. i cant focus enough on house work. laundry is the hardest. sorting and folding I HATE TO FOLD. focus on the house tomorrow the blue lady says, by the way the blue lady calls me "Child" try to get some sleep she says, sleep sleep

i see shapeshifting colors in the hall, the colors almost form something, it looks to moving down the hallway. GO AWAY sleep now

in her, i know i am one

The days of eternalsunshine 1-14-07

today was the first day of admission of mad manic mind.
i met my dr that the blue lady told me i would find. i dont know how to describe my new doctor. she is perfect. i walked in her office just standing looking at three doors. i could smell incense burning, maybe sandlewood. another lady walked an said there is no one here, you just wait until the doctor came out. in one second she came out of her office, she was japenese or some sort of asian descent. but, no waiting.... you mean no waiting thirty minutes. Hmmm the blue lady was right. i would find the perfect doctor and i did. more on the blue lady later.

it seems old but many things came into perpective. i had a rotten week, i dont even know where i went. i have must have taken a vacation from the real world. my husband went out of town monday evening and made very angry. he spent way to much money, on liquor and anything else he could possibly pay for. i went through single emotion, anger,sad, depressed, i 100% withdrew from my husband and son. i first yelled, cried, cried, cried, and withdrew further and further in the world of my mad mind. i also seem to go through every personality. the worst was the voice of zule. he mad me become more and more angry. he took total control of me and
my mind by yesterday was exchauseted. i couldnt make an expression. i didnt eat for most of the week. zule told me i need to be thin he said. and sad for me i didnt pay much attention to the baby. the control of zule was to overwhelming.

wednesday january 9th was our ninth wedding anniversary. robert had a great time monday with the guys and zule told me i couldnt compare with that the resturant i chose, which made me crazy. i didnt want robert to live me alone for a second. the resturant was super loud. which my mind couldnt handle with all the noise already. the noise of the people drove me crazy and i mean nutso. i was disappointed which deepend my depression. i complained and complained.

by saturday something told me to check our other bank accounts, and it was empty. i am not going to say it was one of the voices telling me to check it, i just did. so at this point rage has come back through zule. i stuck a pair of scissors through my hand but the blue lady yelled.. NO!!! that was it. mental madness was at its peak.

by sunday of that week my house had totally fallen apart. i need energy to get it right again. robert has fed me most of the week if i ate at all.

by now its january 14th, today i go to the doctor reveiling my voices. something happened to me. i came home, robert cooked. i are shrimp, they were okay. and i felt something just click. all of a sudden i was back from vacation. i wanted to clean my house, i had a little more energy and i ws finally hungry. robert went to arby's and ate and ate.

tomorrow i start my new medicine. its a little scary . i dont want to loose the blue lady. she helped me find the perfect doctor,(the incense) the blue lady tells me she'll never leave me. the blue lady found my husband and i have my baby boy because of her

its 4:12am, not sleeping yet. colors are vivid, even with the lights on. i hate the dark. shadows are moving through the house. i dont believe they want to hurt me just watching me watch them. balance has returned and i will dream a dream of faire.

in her, i know i'm one

the journal soon begins

i will be adding my compiled journals during my adventures with my spiritual split mind,

someone needs to know, i am sure i am not the only schizophrenic on this blogger.
or maybe the gods love me, oooooo, that fine line again between sanity and insanity,
Don't you love it????
or just love the seroquel

hmmm

tell me all your thoughts of god, and i'll tell you mine, the mind of a schizophrenic,,,,,,