The days of eternalsunshine 1-14-07

today was the first day of admission of mad manic mind.
i met my dr that the blue lady told me i would find. i dont know how to describe my new doctor. she is perfect. i walked in her office just standing looking at three doors. i could smell incense burning, maybe sandlewood. another lady walked an said there is no one here, you just wait until the doctor came out. in one second she came out of her office, she was japenese or some sort of asian descent. but, no waiting.... you mean no waiting thirty minutes. Hmmm the blue lady was right. i would find the perfect doctor and i did. more on the blue lady later.

it seems old but many things came into perpective. i had a rotten week, i dont even know where i went. i have must have taken a vacation from the real world. my husband went out of town monday evening and made very angry. he spent way to much money, on liquor and anything else he could possibly pay for. i went through single emotion, anger,sad, depressed, i 100% withdrew from my husband and son. i first yelled, cried, cried, cried, and withdrew further and further in the world of my mad mind. i also seem to go through every personality. the worst was the voice of zule. he mad me become more and more angry. he took total control of me and
my mind by yesterday was exchauseted. i couldnt make an expression. i didnt eat for most of the week. zule told me i need to be thin he said. and sad for me i didnt pay much attention to the baby. the control of zule was to overwhelming.

wednesday january 9th was our ninth wedding anniversary. robert had a great time monday with the guys and zule told me i couldnt compare with that the resturant i chose, which made me crazy. i didnt want robert to live me alone for a second. the resturant was super loud. which my mind couldnt handle with all the noise already. the noise of the people drove me crazy and i mean nutso. i was disappointed which deepend my depression. i complained and complained.

by saturday something told me to check our other bank accounts, and it was empty. i am not going to say it was one of the voices telling me to check it, i just did. so at this point rage has come back through zule. i stuck a pair of scissors through my hand but the blue lady yelled.. NO!!! that was it. mental madness was at its peak.

by sunday of that week my house had totally fallen apart. i need energy to get it right again. robert has fed me most of the week if i ate at all.

by now its january 14th, today i go to the doctor reveiling my voices. something happened to me. i came home, robert cooked. i are shrimp, they were okay. and i felt something just click. all of a sudden i was back from vacation. i wanted to clean my house, i had a little more energy and i ws finally hungry. robert went to arby's and ate and ate.

tomorrow i start my new medicine. its a little scary . i dont want to loose the blue lady. she helped me find the perfect doctor,(the incense) the blue lady tells me she'll never leave me. the blue lady found my husband and i have my baby boy because of her

its 4:12am, not sleeping yet. colors are vivid, even with the lights on. i hate the dark. shadows are moving through the house. i dont believe they want to hurt me just watching me watch them. balance has returned and i will dream a dream of faire.

in her, i know i'm one