entries from my journel 1-16-08 8:49pm

today i did the white laundry. which is the absolute worst. i have such a hard time focusing on matching the dreaded white socks. it drives me insane.. some days when i am thinking more clearly, i'll dump the socks on the floor and robert will do them for me. he will jump in and fold the cloths special way. but back to the socks. i started them at 3:00pm, and i just finished them at 8:45. i cant believe it, i have decided to throw away two pairs of my socks. they have holes in them. me and my sister never had socks when we were growing up. we always had NO socks. and if we did get socks, we would go spend the night at a friends house, and pretend we forgot our socks. hence a pair of socks. so, it is very HARD to throw away socks even with holes. robert's mom bought me i think 12 pairs of socks for christmas. that's a bounty of socks. the funny thing is my sister is a sock purchaser.
it is so painful to throw the socks away

so, i was listening to the blue lady. and questions were raised in my mind as i am living in reality.

in a christian's world, some christians would say "god talks to me" and that's okay and not Schizophrenia. and if a christian sinned, the devil caused them to do it.

could it be that the blue lady is my divinity my spirituality and that zule is my devil. did the devil and god never argue. god always seemed to have won the battles in the bible. now i wasnt raised a christian for sure.

the difference, but true is, how i feel the evil within my body ans spirit when zule is in control. when the blue lady is around i feel love, and inner peace, a calming energy.

the blue lady shared guidance to me, my spirituality . she says to center myself. to find balance between the two of them. the blue lady says she can not be dismissed by the seroquel.

i am going to take the seroquel earlier as it seemed to make me feel funny quickly.

in her, i know i'm one