Friday, March 18, 2011

that Jesus thing. my confession

ever since i can remember, and that's a long time now.
I have have had a strange spiritual connection to the world.
i do believe that the divine is ALL of our beliefs in one womb of energy.

me and jesus. and God at the nightmares i had. my grandfather being an artist at wood carving gave me this wood carving of the crucifixion of jesus at the age of 11. I treasured it when he gave me the carving, not because of jesus but because my grandfather gave it to me.
I was not raised christian, but everyone else was raised Christian at school. and i thought that was the way.
when i arrived home with the carving , i hung it up in my wall with great pride.
maybe a few years went by, and then one day the dreams started or should i say nightmares.
my confession..
i would dream and dream of the crucifix that my grandfather carved me. and then oneday, the crucifix carving of jesus began falling off the walls and shattering into pieces. i would awake and see the crucifix still hanging on the wall. the dreams would continue and haunt me. recurring once a week.. could you imagine the fear i had? i was dreaming of jesus shattering to the floor..
it was just awful. i had no one to talk to.. in my young mind, i did not understand why this beloved jesus kept terrifying me.
i decided to go to church with my little friends as a way to get out of the house, and maybe to get the jesus thing to an understanding. at that time i did not.
several years after that, i found myself pregnant with my first born son. and his aunt at the time insisted that i needed saving through jesus christ the lord and savior. this aunt is paternal, i would like to add..
i remember her sitting me down and her and two older women began praying over me, asking me over and over,, do you take jesus christ as your lord and savior? and i just said "YES!"
now, this was a turning point for me in my life spiritually. I actually felt Jesus , but what happened next is odd.. Jesus only decided to enter my spirit partially. I felt him, but he did not save me. I remember in my mind, "this is NOT right" and Jesus exited from me.
i did not speak EVER of this, letting the women know i was okay...
i went on for years, kinda lost spiritually...
then believe it or not, strangely witchcraft came into my life... witch craft spiritually fed me. i learned to meditate and get a grasp on my energy. I was told Once in a coven full moon gathering, that I could move mountains with that energy. I did not understand that either.
my life was full of fairies, and gnomes, and i was adored by the Gods. as, i have been my entire life....
one afternoon in my mid twenties i was in the middle of an afternoon nap. i was drifting between the veils of the world....... and then. Jesus appeared to me in my home. i did not know what to do?? my eyes were beholding Jesus Christ,i remembered that christ energy from when i was"saved" so, i just bowed on my knees. I thought that was what i was suppose to do. Right?
I remember looking up to Jesus, and Jesus shook his head NO at me, he didnt speak but his intentions came through my spirit, jesus said" stand up child. and look at me in the Eyes. and i did. what was jesus telling me? maybe i didnt have to bow.
i knew after that i had a solid relationship with Jesus. But not as a Christian. funny....Right?
or if you are Christian you are probably praying for me as we speak. if you think you heard laughter you did.... it was me!
i dont think there are many christians who can say they have had a Face to face with Jesus!
if i am ever asked about being christian? i always say, i am not christian, but i know Jesus really well. tadaaaa
I cant be a Christian, i do not believe Jesus wanted the church to become a business, and put fear into people. Jesus just wanted Love and Peace...
on occasion i will meet a person who is naturally connected with pure love for jesus and that's cool, i can beam up that spiritual energy.. i love my abilities. I am able to Tapp All Spiritual energy. why limit yourself, the spirit does not..
plz, readers,christians, and people of all faiths..
take some time today and think about humanity. and our mother earth, she's not very happy right now, and she's been a rumbling....... and that's never good, as we have lost thousands of lives because of it.
send your goodwill thoughts and prayers to the people who need it the most.

in her i know i am one

Thursday, December 2, 2010

snow flakes

i saw our first snow flakes of the year yesterday. for the first time in my life. i looked at those snow flakes with pure dread. i used to be so happy to see the snow fall.. with each day it grows colder and colder. the changing of the seasons effect me deeply. but, with that i experience the seasons change right before my eyes.winter,spring, summer, fall. I had never experienced that before. I had always lived in a warmer climate.
being connected spiritually with mother earth has its advantages. but feeling so dark, so cold for months at a time is rough on my earthly body.
i feel like i can never stay warm. i hate that part of it.
maybe seasonal depression. some days i am warmer than usual. not today.

in her i know i am one

Friday, November 19, 2010

maybe if someone just understood

i wish my memories would fade. of certain things of course. filled in my deep mind. deliver me from the reasons that i have to make my self exist
the reality is that i am alone in what i see, i feel, and i think. I do think my Phoenix hears me though deep in his mind.
i have been experiencing such emotional distress lately. i went for a visit home recently.
i decided to take Phoenix with me. I would say the feeling of the discontent of me and Phoenix being there was very Dark and i could feel every moment of it. i could do nothing to shut myself Off from that dark discontent.
i know Phoenix is different from most children. he feels even more than i can ever imagine.
He was wild during my visit. it was the negative energy that surrounded him. it made him want to be terrible and disruptive. I was so nervous, i knew Phoenix was driving my family crazy. it happened once before when i visited another member of my family. Both times, everyone would want to get away from Phoenix because he is loud and mischievous. the same thing i heard over and over, We are just Not used to that.
it made me feel terrible, was i imposing on my own family? Phoenix is autistic. I receive little support from my family. and by support, i do not mean money at all. i just need some compassion and understanding at least from my family while visiting them.
this is my own family. if you ask what Phoenix was doing, well, the house is not real organized and he was exploring and being a three year old. he does scream a lot and is very loud because of his speech delay. he is just a three year old. it was sad, for Phoenix. I feel very sad myself. I have been made to feel this way twice.
i mean there are crystals laying here and there, and drums, and all kinds of neat things in the house. he was told No several times.
really what i dont understand from this point of view,
Phoenix is a crystal child. there is No doubt about it. but this is Not a typical crystal child situation. maybe because he was in a house that was not his. i just dont know.
it is a terrible feeling. another puzzle for me to explore. which i have. i looked to a place you would not believe. the Lost books of the Bible. the gospel or book of Thomas.
i was virtually driven spiritually to this book.
Jesus' youth is written about. and it helped me through. the hurt is still there, but i understand.
sometimes life gets the best of me.
i am suppose to hold an open mind and an open heart.
but leaving it so Open, Hurts sometimes.
Phoenix is strong willed
he thinks the world revolves around him, i have tried to show him that he has to share his world with others, he just does not get it yet.
maybe if someone just understood.
in her i know i am one

Wednesday, November 3, 2010

bring back the sun

the dark time of the year has returned. there is hardly no night. hardly no light.
why must i accept this dark time of energy.
i want to shake it down to the ground, i feel so wobbly wobbly wobbly. the energy is beyond me. my arms feel like there is a current of electric fire pouring through me. my brain is sizzling..
how could this happen to me. what's this all about.
my three year old consumes me. he hypnotizes me with his eyes.
he has autism with hyper sensory disorder. i believe he can have anything that his heart desires.
he is one of the crystal children.
maybe i should get down on my knees and pray. dreaming and praying. of what. i knew that my son would not be normal. i knew he would be different, just how different. i did not know.
i wish i could be somewhere warm. i already miss the warmth of the sun. the dark time of the year makes my body worn down. i feel so wicked. mean and evil.
bring back my son.

in her i know i am one