snow flakes

i saw our first snow flakes of the year yesterday. for the first time in my life. i looked at those snow flakes with pure dread. i used to be so happy to see the snow fall.. with each day it grows colder and colder. the changing of the seasons effect me deeply. but, with that i experience the seasons change right before my eyes.winter,spring, summer, fall. I had never experienced that before. I had always lived in a warmer climate.
being connected spiritually with mother earth has its advantages. but feeling so dark, so cold for months at a time is rough on my earthly body.
i feel like i can never stay warm. i hate that part of it.
maybe seasonal depression. some days i am warmer than usual. not today.

in her i know i am one

maybe if someone just understood

i wish my memories would fade. of certain things of course. filled in my deep mind. deliver me from the reasons that i have to make my self exist
the reality is that i am alone in what i see, i feel, and i think. I do think my Phoenix hears me though deep in his mind.
i have been experiencing such emotional distress lately. i went for a visit home recently.
i decided to take Phoenix with me. I would say the feeling of the discontent of me and Phoenix being there was very Dark and i could feel every moment of it. i could do nothing to shut myself Off from that dark discontent.
i know Phoenix is different from most children. he feels even more than i can ever imagine.
He was wild during my visit. it was the negative energy that surrounded him. it made him want to be terrible and disruptive. I was so nervous, i knew Phoenix was driving my family crazy. it happened once before when i visited another member of my family. Both times, everyone would want to get away from Phoenix because he is loud and mischievous. the same thing i heard over and over, We are just Not used to that.
it made me feel terrible, was i imposing on my own family? Phoenix is autistic. I receive little support from my family. and by support, i do not mean money at all. i just need some compassion and understanding at least from my family while visiting them.
this is my own family. if you ask what Phoenix was doing, well, the house is not real organized and he was exploring and being a three year old. he does scream a lot and is very loud because of his speech delay. he is just a three year old. it was sad, for Phoenix. I feel very sad myself. I have been made to feel this way twice.
i mean there are crystals laying here and there, and drums, and all kinds of neat things in the house. he was told No several times.
really what i dont understand from this point of view,
Phoenix is a crystal child. there is No doubt about it. but this is Not a typical crystal child situation. maybe because he was in a house that was not his. i just dont know.
it is a terrible feeling. another puzzle for me to explore. which i have. i looked to a place you would not believe. the Lost books of the Bible. the gospel or book of Thomas.
i was virtually driven spiritually to this book.
http://www.gnosis.org/library/inftoma
Jesus' youth is written about. and it helped me through. the hurt is still there, but i understand.
sometimes life gets the best of me.
i am suppose to hold an open mind and an open heart.
but leaving it so Open, Hurts sometimes.
Phoenix is strong willed
he thinks the world revolves around him, i have tried to show him that he has to share his world with others, he just does not get it yet.
maybe if someone just understood.
in her i know i am one

bring back the sun

the dark time of the year has returned. there is hardly no night. hardly no light.
why must i accept this dark time of energy.
i want to shake it down to the ground, i feel so wobbly wobbly wobbly. the energy is beyond me. my arms feel like there is a current of electric fire pouring through me. my brain is sizzling..
how could this happen to me. what's this all about.
my three year old consumes me. he hypnotizes me with his eyes.
he has autism with hyper sensory disorder. i believe he can have anything that his heart desires.
he is one of the crystal children.
maybe i should get down on my knees and pray. dreaming and praying. of what. i knew that my son would not be normal. i knew he would be different, just how different. i did not know.
i wish i could be somewhere warm. i already miss the warmth of the sun. the dark time of the year makes my body worn down. i feel so wicked. mean and evil.
bring back my son.

in her i know i am one

Butterflies and the subconscious

i decided to make a stop in to my Eternal Sun Shine.
Over the Last nearly nine months, i have spent a lot of my thoughts over at http://autismandthecrystalbaby.blogspot.com/

Autism has become very spiritually enlightening for me. My three year old is a crystal child, i guess i cant refer to him as a crystal baby. HE's almost four years old now.

Phoenix is getting ready to start school. And i am glad. you have no idea how much energy it takes to keep him balanced. I often read about those sweet loving stories about the crystal children. I laugh to myself after nine more amazing months with Phoenix.
My crystal son walks both in the dark and light. where there is night there is day. when there is Life there is Death.
In the beginning of the spring there were caterpillars roaming the yard, and Phoenix was standing above a caterpillar with it standing looking up at him, and Phoenix lost his balance and stepped on the caterpillar. Charlie was devastated. One Less butterfly, i thought. I know.

well, I have had the biggest butterfly garden i have ever had. Hundreds of butterflies have stopped by our house this year. Not only that, we have around five or six hummingbird that live in our tree in the backyard.
Phoenix picks up the butterflies, looks at the them and lets them fly away.

everything has come to make more sense to me spiritually. I have learned that from a visit with some dear family members. its amazing what you learn if you just ask.

I would like to talk about the subconscious mind.
Crystal children are reported to be telepathic. Most are Austistic. because of their speech delay. I never thought how these children did it. How has Phoenix been able to get everything he had ever wanted and more without speaking like the "typicals"
I am going down a Path where it is revealing more of a subconscious thought is used for Phoenix to communicate. is the subconscious taking over his earthly body? is this Why we force him to talk and use his words? the subconscious is more powerful than we could ever imagine. Could the subconscious be our souls, traveling from life to life. Phoenix could be really mad at me for being born, and he could be rebelling refuses to be like the "typicals"
Understand i wanted Phoenix more than anything in the universe. I know he wanted me. I do not believe he could be this mad at me in his subconscious.
but he does fight until he knows he will not win, and then he gives in.

I wonder. I wonder tonight? why do i hear familar voices? I hear the sound of your voice, just as i hear my Phoenix. I know this voice has gone into the the highest realms of the afterlife. But i can still hear you.
So, is the subconscious our Soul? the voices from beyond, sound the same to me as my son.

In her i Know I AM One

Time keeps on Ticking

it won't be long now, my first born son will be off fighting for this great nation we live in. somedays i am so proud i am bursting with energy, then some days i feel like i want to crawl under my bed and not come out for a day or two. my time with him is drawing to a close. time doesnt stop for me or him or anyone.
tomorrow the little Phoenix has Play therapy. he is doing better with his speech and communication. this type of therapy seems to help his autism. he has been making great strides with his play and learning to play with things the correct way. i was thinking today, that my other sons didnt seem as advanced at this stage as the Phoenix. even though he cant communicate well, he is still very aware of letters, shapes and colors. he has learned how to draw pretty good. he loves to draw circles. Phoenix will be starting school soon. he is almost three. what will i do without my son during the day. i was hoping on spending more time with him, but its time for school.