maybe if someone just understood

i wish my memories would fade. of certain things of course. filled in my deep mind. deliver me from the reasons that i have to make my self exist
the reality is that i am alone in what i see, i feel, and i think. I do think my Phoenix hears me though deep in his mind.
i have been experiencing such emotional distress lately. i went for a visit home recently.
i decided to take Phoenix with me. I would say the feeling of the discontent of me and Phoenix being there was very Dark and i could feel every moment of it. i could do nothing to shut myself Off from that dark discontent.
i know Phoenix is different from most children. he feels even more than i can ever imagine.
He was wild during my visit. it was the negative energy that surrounded him. it made him want to be terrible and disruptive. I was so nervous, i knew Phoenix was driving my family crazy. it happened once before when i visited another member of my family. Both times, everyone would want to get away from Phoenix because he is loud and mischievous. the same thing i heard over and over, We are just Not used to that.
it made me feel terrible, was i imposing on my own family? Phoenix is autistic. I receive little support from my family. and by support, i do not mean money at all. i just need some compassion and understanding at least from my family while visiting them.
this is my own family. if you ask what Phoenix was doing, well, the house is not real organized and he was exploring and being a three year old. he does scream a lot and is very loud because of his speech delay. he is just a three year old. it was sad, for Phoenix. I feel very sad myself. I have been made to feel this way twice.
i mean there are crystals laying here and there, and drums, and all kinds of neat things in the house. he was told No several times.
really what i dont understand from this point of view,
Phoenix is a crystal child. there is No doubt about it. but this is Not a typical crystal child situation. maybe because he was in a house that was not his. i just dont know.
it is a terrible feeling. another puzzle for me to explore. which i have. i looked to a place you would not believe. the Lost books of the Bible. the gospel or book of Thomas.
i was virtually driven spiritually to this book.
http://www.gnosis.org/library/inftoma
Jesus' youth is written about. and it helped me through. the hurt is still there, but i understand.
sometimes life gets the best of me.
i am suppose to hold an open mind and an open heart.
but leaving it so Open, Hurts sometimes.
Phoenix is strong willed
he thinks the world revolves around him, i have tried to show him that he has to share his world with others, he just does not get it yet.
maybe if someone just understood.
in her i know i am one

bring back the sun

the dark time of the year has returned. there is hardly no night. hardly no light.
why must i accept this dark time of energy.
i want to shake it down to the ground, i feel so wobbly wobbly wobbly. the energy is beyond me. my arms feel like there is a current of electric fire pouring through me. my brain is sizzling..
how could this happen to me. what's this all about.
my three year old consumes me. he hypnotizes me with his eyes.
he has autism with hyper sensory disorder. i believe he can have anything that his heart desires.
he is one of the crystal children.
maybe i should get down on my knees and pray. dreaming and praying. of what. i knew that my son would not be normal. i knew he would be different, just how different. i did not know.
i wish i could be somewhere warm. i already miss the warmth of the sun. the dark time of the year makes my body worn down. i feel so wicked. mean and evil.
bring back my son.

in her i know i am one